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Tuesday
03Nov2009

@Squarespace love

I have been anxiously awaiting this moment......

Posting from my iTouch. I know completely nerdy and it's not like my computer is that far away - one room over.

I caught @Squarespace's Twitter of it's app finally being released. I installed it the moment I got home and I love it.

Now I can blog from anywhere. Well anywhere with wifi lol.

Shall return to update about out trip to see
Grandpa soon.

Sunday
01Nov2009

Halloween 2009

Halloween is truly one of my favorite holidays of the year. It's up there with my birthday (yes it's a holiday to me) and Christmas. It's a great time to dress up and pretend to be someone else. A time to just be a kid again. I'm sure you can dress up and pretend when you are older, but then you just get strange looks and people don't talk to you lol.

Though this year was a bit high strung and stressed, thanks to J. But I think with me spilling so much of my personal life lately I will be keeping some things to be self for a while. In the end of it all we had a great time.

We carved two pumpkins, Autobots and Decepticons. That was an adventure, usually I have Preston helping me, but he couldn't take off from work early so it was just me and the kiddo. I'd have to say we did a damn good job.

The only festivity we didn't partake in was decorating the home. With us trying to clean out our storage units, unpack boxes, and sort things for a garage sale we had no room for decorations. It was ok though Nyx didn't seem too bothered by that. It was the pumpkins he really wanted.

After carving the pumpkins we decided to check out the festivities happening in the mall. They had arts and crafts tables set up, a pirate (fish pond)game, a haunted house and a performance of Thriller in the food court. We did them all. With Nyx's favorite being the Thriller performance, we sat through two shows of it. Mine was the haunted house. The set up was ok I guess it was better than previous years, but it being Nyx's first time was what I loved about it. He started off excited, then as we went through he got a little scared, and then once we were out he was Joe Cool "It wasn't that scary." But when asked if he wanted to do it again he quickly replied "No." lol.

The most awkward part of our trick or treating? Have to be the fact that Preston, Nyx, and I also had J. with us. No fighting or bickering happened, but I swear J. always amazes me on how he survives everyday. Yet alone the fact that I have to leave my son in his hands every weekend. :|

Nyx dressed up as Bakugan Dan. It was really cute and his favorite part of his costume was the gloves. I think it's the whole Micheal Jackson thing. I'm quite surprised he didn't choose to be M.J. in the first place. Amazingly, this is the first time his costume actually fit him perfectly too. Since he is on the small size his costumes are usually hanging off of him. :)

I dressed up as Chun Li from, yes, Street Fighter. Initially I wanted to be her, but the moment I put in my order I was second guessing myself. I really wanted to be the Baroness from G.I. Joe, but for the life of me couldn't find her costume. Then I wanted to be the Mad Hatter, but Hope and Monique already had claims to her. Then I fell in love with The Queen of Hearts expect her costume was $164. I then ordered Ms. Krueger outfit. When that outfit came in and Nyx saw it, jealousy overcame him. He's starting to get into the whole Horror movie genre and loves Freddy and Jason. I was literally ordered to be Chun Li and that next year we will dress up as the Krueger family.

So Chun Li it was. I actually ended up loving it. Since this makeup addiction is taking over me I actually went with Jen @ FrmHeadtoToe's Snowy Ice Princess tutorial to complete Chun Li's look. But I made a few changes to it. I used much less sparkle and didn't add NYX's (the cosmetics not to be confused with my son lol) purple I stuck with mainly The Body Shop's 01 palette. I have to say I loved the end result.

So that sums up our Halloweeen, now I shall drown you in pictures. :D

Makeup tutorial courtesy of Jen FrmHeadtoToe.com Snowy Ice Princess Tutorial.

Tuesday
27Oct2009

And aaawwwwaaayyyy we go!

It was settled at 5:30pm today that we are jumping a plane in the morning. Yea that late into the day. I wanted to make sure with my stepsister that it would be ok for Nyx to stay with them and he could get to school without being too much of a hindrance and out of their way.

She finally gave me the big go ahead and things went full force ahead.

Nyx ate dinner, finished his homework, took a shower and brushed his teeth all by 7pm. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

I packed his stuff and of course extra. Then it dawned on me. Other than visits to J. he's never had a sleep over anywhere with anyone else. I will honestly say my knees got weak. I know its only over to his Aunt's house with two of his cousins. I wasn't nervous for him.

I was nervous for them.

My son can throw some bad tantrums. But that is already known. I just hope he is good and helpful.

We finally had our flights book, car reserved, and hotel booked at 8pm. Talk about last minute, but surprisingly everything is not that expensive. It's probably because we are going in the middle of the week.

So here I sit at 11:30pm packed, at least I hope I am fully packed, I'm quite nervous. I can't pinpoint exactly why I'm nervous.

Could be because I don't want anything to go wrong with Nyx's stay.

Could be because I dropped everything at work and know Friday I will have hell to pay.

Could be because I don't want to see the state my grandpa is in.

Could be because I don't want it to be the last time I see him. Alive.

But whatever it is, I want to get over it quickly. I need a clear mind.

Monday
26Oct2009

Bad News Bear

Bad news bear for me may mean a good news change now bear for you.

Last night I received a txt at 1am from what I can assume is Dad's wife #3

"Grandpa is in the hospital at Straub on Oahu n Grandma is with him. He had a heart attack. Tell Rox too."

Personally, I am not really a big fan of Wife #3, S. She creeps me out and any woman that gives their "husband" an altamatum begin his daughter and grandson or her is a psycho in my book.

Half in a daze and half asleep. I didn't really make any rash decisions or even come a conclusion as to what I should do. I went to sleep, somewhat.

The petty side of dissected and over analyzed the txt message in my sleep. What does she mean "Grandpa"?! Why didn't she say "Your Grandpa"? She hasn't even lived in that house for year, yet alone been apart of my family for a year either.

I didn't say I was being rational at 1am.

But nonetheless, in my sleep I anxiously waited for my alarm to go off. I wanted to get up and start the brain. Honestly, I think I was scared to. I was scared that when I began to start thinking rationally and pick up the pieces I wouldn't be able to handle. I would tear at the seams.

I was right.

I told my sister Roxanne first. Then I txted my step sister Kyra, from Wife #2 (Star) whom I am a fan off. Then started my day. During the drive to work I was sleepy, but filled with guilt. Filled with anger at myself. Filled with thoughts I believe should never have been there to begin with, but were so the guilt continued to build.

The guilt. Guilt is the worse feeling. How can I, we, become so consumed in our daily lives, in our work, in our personal family that we can't drive a few blocks down and see my grandparents. My son's GREAT-grandparents. How selfish could I have been?

I know it's not my fault for my grandpa's health right now, but I've known for years that he has slowly been going downhill. That he has been visiting the ER and hospital more than I would like him too. But in my mind I always felt I had more time.

My grandfather has always been a positive man with many words. Sure he has a really think Filipino accent that takes me a while to decipher in my head while he speaks, but I have always gotten him. His stories were always a lesson, there was always a joke within them, and they were always told with love.

Every time he got sick we would visit him in the hospital. Always the same thing. A big smile on his face and not a sense of worry or sadness in his voice. How can you not love an old man like that? lol

At home when I would ask him how he was feeling and how he was doing it he would say, "Good. But some days are better and some are not. But I'm ok. I'm ready to go if God says its my time. Don't worry." Of course Grandma would follw closely behind, "Don't say that."

It's a great thing to admire a man not afraid to die, but ready to move on. Because you know he lived his life fully and there isn't anything he regrets.

Now he is ICU at Straub. My grandmother says the night before he was feeling tired all day, sick, and just exhausted. As night came he felt worse and she eventually brought him to the ER. I don't have the full story or even completely understand, but he was having a heart attack. What threw off the staff was the incredibly low blood pressure. He was then medivact to Straub where they ran some tests. They found his heart was "failing" not producing enough blood. He's already been given some blood transfusions. To top it off his kidney is failing too.

When I spoke with my Grandmother J. she sounded so exhausted, confused, lost, and praying. She was working really hard to be positive for me.

Which made it even harder for me.

She told me how they haven't forgotten us. They miss us. They love us. Grandpa E just wants us all to be close and love each other.They tried calling us last month to pick up lychee. Except I don't remember a phone call or anything.

The nurses and doctors have already asked what my grandfather's wishes are (if) his heart stops, (if) his kidney fails, and life support. Questions I hate.

At some point this morning Grandpa felt like he was close to death and has asked for a priest.

My heart filled with guilt, anger at myself, and I couldn't hold it in. I cried at work on my cell in the middle of everyone.

I asked Grandma J. if she needed anything from home I'll jump on the next plane for her. She just has to let me know. In my voice, I know I was begging for her to just let me come.

But she said no, as gracious and lonely as she was at that moment, she said no. To take care of my family and not to worry. Just pray. Pray.

My Aunts Tanya, Della, Teresa, and Della have already talked to her. I don't remember which but two of them were already on a flight from the mainland to be by her side.

I left her my number through sobbing tears and a simple I love you.

Sine then I have been tossing around in my head to just jump on the next plane and be there anyways. I may jump that plan Wednesday morning. It depends on what happens when I talk to my Grandma tomorrow morning. Question I'm debating is if I do go, should I take Nyx?

The "What-ifs" are killing me. I don't think I need to list them.

So here I am.

Wondering how can anyone ever be so busy to not find the time to call or see their loved ones. If you are reading this, I pray and ask that you pick up that phone call your mom, sister, dad, aunt, friend, anyone you hold dear to yourself. Because this guilt I am feeling you may feel one day too when the day comes that you say "Just a little more time."

Today is his birthday.

Tuesday
06Oct2009

Me loves me some green

So after nearly being together for almost 5 years, Preston and I finally started a savings account together.  But we finally have a joint savings account. After determining - it took us ages for this to dawn upon us - that seperate we can't put savings aside and expect it to last. We are both horrible at spoiling ourselves, eachother and Nyx. So this last pay period, just spur of the moment we decided:

Me: Preston, I'm putting $150 into your sub-share savings account, the one you don't use.

Preston: OK....

Me: You are also putting $150 in there too.

Preston: *sad face* ok....

Me: We are doing this EVERY pay check. Oh and your putting my name on it too.

Preston: Me.

I'm grateful for having such an easy boyfriend that doesn't complain or ask why.

This "great" idea only dawned on me after talking with a home loan .... er ... lady, I don't know their actual titile, but just me alone I only qualify for around $250,000. Which sounds great, but in Hawaii that will barely buy you a 2bd/1ba condo. Then she said it, "You don't have enough liquid assets." My heart broke. I know to avoid extra mortage insuarance fees we would need atleast 20% down payment. But it didn't really hit until she said that.

Now it's not like I am dumb or anything, just that before talking to her Preston and I had some pretty high hopes. We met with a really friend real estate agent, Ramona Biho, and she gave us all this great info and pamphlets with information for home grants in Hawaii that so many of her clients qualified for.

These grants are practically life savers for Hawaii residents. Such as the "loan gap" grant. A grant that provides 17.5% down payment and you cover the other 2.5%, which then makes the minimum 20% down payment and no penalties. Of course there is more to it, but that is the biggest jist. But then we discovered we made too much money to qualify. :(

Which leads me to now. We make too much money to qualify for help, but too little money to do it 100% ourselves. Atleast, not right now.

So ultimately my goal is we put money aside before we start seperating the money out for rent, bills, necessities, and random wants. Then learn to function on a smaller budget. It sounds weird, but seriously its the only thing that will work for us. Forcing ourselves to put away money. The way I see it, our parents always forced us to do stuff we didn't want to do to save us in the end and things always turned out ok.