Bad news bear for me may mean a good news change now bear for you.
Last night I received a txt at 1am from what I can assume is Dad's wife #3
"Grandpa is in the hospital at Straub on Oahu n Grandma is with him. He had a heart attack. Tell Rox too."
Personally, I am not really a big fan of Wife #3, S. She creeps me out and any woman that gives their "husband" an altamatum begin his daughter and grandson or her is a psycho in my book.
Half in a daze and half asleep. I didn't really make any rash decisions or even come a conclusion as to what I should do. I went to sleep, somewhat.
The petty side of dissected and over analyzed the txt message in my sleep. What does she mean "Grandpa"?! Why didn't she say "Your Grandpa"? She hasn't even lived in that house for year, yet alone been apart of my family for a year either.
I didn't say I was being rational at 1am.
But nonetheless, in my sleep I anxiously waited for my alarm to go off. I wanted to get up and start the brain. Honestly, I think I was scared to. I was scared that when I began to start thinking rationally and pick up the pieces I wouldn't be able to handle. I would tear at the seams.
I was right.
I told my sister Roxanne first. Then I txted my step sister Kyra, from Wife #2 (Star) whom I am a fan off. Then started my day. During the drive to work I was sleepy, but filled with guilt. Filled with anger at myself. Filled with thoughts I believe should never have been there to begin with, but were so the guilt continued to build.
The guilt. Guilt is the worse feeling. How can I, we, become so consumed in our daily lives, in our work, in our personal family that we can't drive a few blocks down and see my grandparents. My son's GREAT-grandparents. How selfish could I have been?
I know it's not my fault for my grandpa's health right now, but I've known for years that he has slowly been going downhill. That he has been visiting the ER and hospital more than I would like him too. But in my mind I always felt I had more time.
My grandfather has always been a positive man with many words. Sure he has a really think Filipino accent that takes me a while to decipher in my head while he speaks, but I have always gotten him. His stories were always a lesson, there was always a joke within them, and they were always told with love.
Every time he got sick we would visit him in the hospital. Always the same thing. A big smile on his face and not a sense of worry or sadness in his voice. How can you not love an old man like that? lol
At home when I would ask him how he was feeling and how he was doing it he would say, "Good. But some days are better and some are not. But I'm ok. I'm ready to go if God says its my time. Don't worry." Of course Grandma would follw closely behind, "Don't say that."
It's a great thing to admire a man not afraid to die, but ready to move on. Because you know he lived his life fully and there isn't anything he regrets.
Now he is ICU at Straub. My grandmother says the night before he was feeling tired all day, sick, and just exhausted. As night came he felt worse and she eventually brought him to the ER. I don't have the full story or even completely understand, but he was having a heart attack. What threw off the staff was the incredibly low blood pressure. He was then medivact to Straub where they ran some tests. They found his heart was "failing" not producing enough blood. He's already been given some blood transfusions. To top it off his kidney is failing too.
When I spoke with my Grandmother J. she sounded so exhausted, confused, lost, and praying. She was working really hard to be positive for me.
Which made it even harder for me.
She told me how they haven't forgotten us. They miss us. They love us. Grandpa E just wants us all to be close and love each other.They tried calling us last month to pick up lychee. Except I don't remember a phone call or anything.
The nurses and doctors have already asked what my grandfather's wishes are (if) his heart stops, (if) his kidney fails, and life support. Questions I hate.
At some point this morning Grandpa felt like he was close to death and has asked for a priest.
My heart filled with guilt, anger at myself, and I couldn't hold it in. I cried at work on my cell in the middle of everyone.
I asked Grandma J. if she needed anything from home I'll jump on the next plane for her. She just has to let me know. In my voice, I know I was begging for her to just let me come.
But she said no, as gracious and lonely as she was at that moment, she said no. To take care of my family and not to worry. Just pray. Pray.
My Aunts Tanya, Della, Teresa, and Della have already talked to her. I don't remember which but two of them were already on a flight from the mainland to be by her side.
I left her my number through sobbing tears and a simple I love you.
Sine then I have been tossing around in my head to just jump on the next plane and be there anyways. I may jump that plan Wednesday morning. It depends on what happens when I talk to my Grandma tomorrow morning. Question I'm debating is if I do go, should I take Nyx?
The "What-ifs" are killing me. I don't think I need to list them.
So here I am.
Wondering how can anyone ever be so busy to not find the time to call or see their loved ones. If you are reading this, I pray and ask that you pick up that phone call your mom, sister, dad, aunt, friend, anyone you hold dear to yourself. Because this guilt I am feeling you may feel one day too when the day comes that you say "Just a little more time."
Today is his birthday.
Update on Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at 21:08 by
Miss DJM
Well obviously we are back home.
For the short notice and lack of money, our two day trip to Oahu wasn't too costly.
When we arrived, my grandfather was still in ICU. From the moment I stepped in the room with him, my heart filled with so much worry. I was in shock. The only way i can describe it is, remember when it dawned on you after becoming a mother. That amazement of "I can't believe my heart can hold this much love, excitement and joy for one person." Yea it was like that, but completely opposite of happiness.
I know I such at analogies. I'll work on that.
But my grandfather was pale, swollen, barely could eat, and hardly had the energy to talk to us. My grandmother was downstairs in the cafeteria eatting lunch some some cousins of mine, of which I never met before.
So we sat and spoke with my grandfather. He was literally telling me his last wishes for me. To love my family no matter what. To forgive when I think my heart can't. To take care of eachother because family is really all you truly have. And to take care of my grandmother.
I didn't even have the energy to shed a tear because what he was telling me was already taking a huge toll on me.
But let's turn this frown upside down.
That same day, around 3:30pm, they transferred him out of ICU and up stairs to cardiology/telemetry. He was actually well enough that he didn't need to be closely monitored in ICU. That was good news number 1.
Through the day Grandma told me how much better he was actually getting and he was WAY worse when they first admitted him.
Preston talked with my grandfather, while I spoke with my grandmother for atleast 6 hours that day. Not about my grandfathers health, but just about ourselves, our family, things we've been up to, stories from "Once upon a time....". I finally understood and learned how much my grandparents really cared for Preston. Well I knew they loved me lol. I found how my grandparents feel the same way towards Wife #3 and her daughter as I do.
Preston learned about the great Macgyver-ness my grandfather is. Seriously I swear my grandpa is the real Macgyver. They really bonded and I glad they did. It's not that didn't see eye to eye already, but we've never really sat and seriously talked about things.
It really felt good.
By the next day when we came back Grandpa's doctor already had him on a physical therapy regime. Seeing that he hasn't moved for 4 days at that time. He was eatting almost his entire meals and he got his color back.
By the time we had to leave my Aunt Della had already arrived from Alaska and was ready to help out.
With all of my worries, I'm glad we went out there to see them. I know the Higher Being has more instored for my Grandfather so he can't go anywhere anytime soon. Besides the priest that came to see him his first night in ICU said so too. I'm serious his words were, "You can't die yet, you have to go to the end of the line and wait your turn." In reference to the line at the Golden Gates.
I know I have left a lot out, some for personal reasons, but I end it with this he is been ok'd to be transferred back to the hospital at home. Which is MANY steps closer to getting well than anyone knows.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 18:18 
